A Letter To A Grieving Mom
When dear friends lost their baby, I reached out to another friend, Susie. Susie has experienced this kind of loss, and she sent a note to our grieving friend. That was a month ago, but I’m still thinking about it. Both ladies gave me their blessing to share this. I think grieving moms and dads need to read this. I think friends and family need to read this.
You have been on my heart and mind so much since I saw you on Sunday. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to tell me what happened right there in the middle of the sanctuary, but I knew based on your reaction that you needed a hug. But in my heart and soul, I knew what had happened. As soon as we got home from church, I told Greg that I thought you had lost a baby. Your eyes gave it away. I know that look all too well. I believe we moms who have had to turn our babies over to Jesus before we get to meet and hold them have a special connection that no one else can understand.
We lost our very first baby back in 2001. We had been trying for about 6 months, and we lost her when I was 8 weeks along. At the time, we were in a young adult Sunday school class that was full of newlyweds. Right after we lost our baby (we named her Aurora), literally every other woman in the class became pregnant. It was excruciating.
God finally blessed us with Corbin a year and a half later. Right after Corbin’s first birthday, we lost our second baby at 7 weeks along. We named her Cecelia. But God was gracious and blessed us with Andrew a year later.
After almost 6 years, we were blessed with Tristan in 2010. We were surprised 2 years later to get pregnant again, only to lose the baby at 13 weeks. That was the hardest loss both physically and emotionally. I was able to hold that baby in the palm of my hand, a memory I both cherish and am haunted by. We named her Nadia.
We wrestled with whether or not our family was complete and began leaning toward adopting one more child. But time passed and we began to think we were getting too old. Out of the blue, I got pregnant again with the one I’m carrying now. I spent the first 13 weeks of this pregnancy fighting fear and praying like, never before. The words of Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott became my daily song. (She wrote that song in response to her own miscarriage.)
I really feel like pregnancy loss is one of those sorely understated tragedies that most women suffer alone. Needlessly, of course, because there truly are so many of us. But it is something so incredibly difficult to talk about. Something the poor husbands can’t quite understand, because they didn’t feel that warmth of life inside of them. Something other woman who’ve never lost a baby that way cannot possibly comprehend. I’ve always struggled with jealousy for the women who skip blissfully through their pregnancies. But I do know that through my tragedies God has taught me to appreciate the precious gifts of life in ways I could have never learned otherwise.
I am so unbelievably sorry you have had to say goodbye to your sweet baby. I truly believe he or she is dancing in heaven with mine and we will all see them someday, and I cannot wait for that sweet reunion!
I know that there is absolutely nothing I can say or do to take away your grief, and I honestly wouldn’t want to do so. It’s that grief that makes these babies so real. The only way to stop the grieving is if we never loved them, or if we tried to forget them. Neither of those are something we moms would want to do. I love my babies as much as the ones in my care. And I know you love yours as much as any mom can love her child. I have never stopped grieving my losses, but God has comforted me through my grief and given me other ways to find joy in this life as I wait to meet my babies someday.
If you feel like talking or emailing or you need anything, I am here. If you can’t bring yourself to even be around me because I’m pregnant, trust me, I completely understand. I have been there. I am very much honored to just pray for you from a distance.
I am sharing my stories in hopes that you will feel like you are not alone, that there are others out here who can relate. But, I also know and believe that every woman grieves their babies differently and each has her own unique needs. You may not even know what you need or what you want right now, and that is ok too. God is present in your grief and He will never abandon you. Cling to your hope in Christ and the promise of seeing your sweet baby again. Sometimes, it’s those thoughts that are the only thing that can get you through the day.
You and your husband are both precious to our church family and we are here for you!
Love in Christ,